I have dealt with bullies from grade school to high school to college to work. And the sight was never pretty. I think this is mainly because I am not one to retaliate by means of bullying too. I’m not beseeching compliments here but really, I am not designed that way. I would have ill thoughts in my head or talk to my very few closest friends about how grave these people’s conducts are but I would never bully them back. I remember having tried, maybe once or twice, by just throwing a supposedly mean sentence to the bully but it has either come out funny or they wouldn’t take it seriously as they know (or imagine) me enough to understand I would never want anyone in my presence feel bad.
Most of the time this trait of mine, I believe, has brought me to be the subject of bullying for the years that passed. That years and years of practice that has been turned somewhat into a nature of being generally amiable to people has actually caused me to be so easy a target for people who feed on others’ being disgraced and humiliated by their doing.
It is sad as even when I was done with my school life, I still met these people. Until now, I wonder how these adult bullies came about who and how they are now. I can’t help but think of what occurred in their past that have caused them to be mean. Have they always been bullies? Or were they victims of grave bullying during their childhood that had them opt to make the tables turn when they had the chance? If so, why? Don’t they, of all people, know how excruciating the pain feels like of being the subject of such nastiness? Why would they want others (the innocent others) to feel that way? If they have always been the former, I still ask why? Is their life so meaningless and dull that they seriously have to pick on people all throughout their lives to find color? And if they have been bullies all their life, is it possible that they have become cold of this act and have just allowed the mean bone to be a part of them?
It is even sadder to know and come to speak with people who share the same pains. I have spoken with a colleague who has become a dear friend about how the memories of being bullied still sting. We have talked about her indifference to showcasing her talent for the school to see and admire for which she has denied an aftermath of her being bullied in high school but I feel in my heart may have unconsciously led her to. Even if I am wrong, this drew me to think about the dreams and potentials of bullied children that have been kept and shut off. Who knows if they were at all able to have the guts to take them out from where they’ve left and kept them and hone them once the oppressors were out of sight? I sincerely hope they don’t feel afraid forever. I, for one, have always been an explorer when it came to my extra-curricular activities. I am thankful the bullying I got didn’t stop me from going for my whims which looking back now comprised of everything available for someone in my level then. The part of me that was hit though was a concealed one. It was my confidence – which I am sure wasn’t apparent as my ambition was still greater. However, deep inside me, I fret over what my classmates would tell one another about me. I hated those times when even whatever kind of great I have done and felt, these bullies would manage to take me down by calling me that name I have grown into loathing. Some of my friends, unaware of my sentiments, have (and some have continued to) call me that sometimes out of fun but to me it was all jeer. The statements and teases that I got related to that name have made it all the worse for me especially that these were coming from classmates who were far from performing satisfactorily in their academics.
There are times when I think, especially when I became a young adult, that given my slightly introvert type, I may well be acting simply oversensitive about being teased. I may have. And I may have also developed this immediately-effecting touchiness when chances of me being led to the same path happen because of what occurred when I was a younger teen. One colleague told me before, out of a random conversation, that she doesn’t want her daughter being like me for she doesn’t want her to get bullied. She even added that she’d rather have her child be the bully. Instant was my hurt but even more instant was my effort at nonchalance. In retrospect, that comment says so much. I have resolved from the semi-bullying (as I would give my past colleagues the benefit of believing that they have not done what they did and continually do in vehement attack to my esteem as these colleagues have also become more than acquaintances) I had working that one should not allow himself to be the subject of any bullying, in any way. Easier said than done. Correct. For honestly, until now I have not formed any steps or commandments to lay out the line between being friendly and being bullies (as it happens that these mostly happen in friendships, or in pseudo-friendships). I wish I had a trick up my sleeve though to make every bullying stop. Like my colleague, I would never want my child (in the future) to be bullied. Ever. I guess our difference is that I wouldn’t want my child to be the bully either. I wouldn’t want my child to inflict severe pain and horror that haunts another child for the rest of his life. I wouldn’t want my child to be (after all the years) remembered as the person who made another human being feel worthless and insufficient. I want my child and all the children in this world be free of terror particularly from each other and grow up with a healthy regard for themselves and with a self-assurance they can take on anything. If this want of my mine ever become a reality, what a beautiful humankind we would have and how proud I am certain I will be. #
Registered Nurse. Flight Attendant.
Writer. Reader. Dreamer. Believer.
Daughter. Sister. Auntie. Wife.